I'm not quite sure

If I've actually managed to constructively write about this before... but this has been a really strange time for me... these last few months that is. It's kind of hard to articulate without sounding like some sort of crazed hormal woman... but it could very must be just that. The skinny is that I can't help but feel like I'm a bit underwhelmed regarding being pregnant. I really feel like I'm missing a beat. I mean it's lovely and wonderful and I know I'm very very lucky to have this chance that so many people are not able to have but I feel somehow I'm not doing it justice... Maybe because I've not got the same group of close female friends I had back in London or Ottawa or anywhere else I've lived during my adult life to encourage me and get excited with... I'm not having baby showers and waxing lyrical about how wonderful it will be... To be honest I think it's going to be really really hard and I'm very realistic about that. Perhaps it's this realism that keeps my excitement level to a dull fuzz if that. It's almost like this whole thing is happening to someone else and I'm just observing the process from the other side of a transparent screen... so I'm actually there but somewhat removed. I joked about being in denial for many months but now it just seems silly, surely this should have all passed by now and I should now be on to being constructive and buying baby things and not stomping my feet at my ever dwindling clothing selection... but yet still refusing to buy maternity clothes... I think it's entirely possible that I am being the bigger baby. Or it could just be the hormones...

here's to hoping this will all get sorted out before the end of January when ze bubby arrives... until then, back to the mad world of porn and the ever interesting adventure of the Polish builders that are arriving tonight from Denmark to kit out our new upstairs office space. Never a dull moment!